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Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Sheppard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.
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Hi. This was fun.
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This was for you.
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My old stomping grounds.
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This one specifically was for you. It's crazy mall stories.
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I love the mall.
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Boy, one of these had me laughing. A little tiny thing got carried away. Someone lost control of a little tiny thing, and there's nothing that's funnier than that to me.
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This is so fun.
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Oh, it was a really good one, and some bonkers ones, too. Now, let me see if you can... I'm just looking to see if you can listen to this one. Yeah, this is fine.
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There's blood.
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Yeah, there's some blood.
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And there's some poop.
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And there's some poody, and there's some theft. Please enjoy Mall Stories. All times, come and go. Hello.
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Hi. How are you guys? Oh, good.
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And you?
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I'm very well. Thank you for joining me at my work in the supply closet.
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Wait, okay. You're at work in a supply closet. Does the supply closet always have this very light, ocean spray-y green blanket?
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No, I got the directions, and I put up these lovely sound barriers. So I have this blanket. And behind me, there is a water heater, which while I was waiting, I heard it tinkle a few times. So I was like, Well, that's just great. Hopefully, it's not going to be doing that throughout the recording.
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I hope it does.
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I want a coworker to walk in and go, what in the f*ck are you doing, Michelle?
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Because this would be the most explicable thing. She already knows.
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She knows, okay.
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She helped me put the blankets up this morning. So it's been a very productive day at work.
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Where are you at in the country?
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I live in Raleigh, North Carolina.
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Wonderful. Okay, so you have a crazy mall story.
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I do. I saw this prompt and I was like, wow. I had honestly forgotten about this story, but here we are. This prompt brought me back to the late '90s. I'm sorry, actually, it was early '90s.
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Early '90s. Prime mall time.
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I was going to say that about late '90s.
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Guess what? It was pretty good in the '80s, too.
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I hate to tell you. It was good up until five years ago.
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Oh, no. In Michigan, like 20 years ago. Really? Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Michelle.
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That's okay, sidebar. I was 17, and I worked at a mall in the suburbs of DC in Virginia. It was a very high-end mall. The anchor stores were Neiman Marcus, Sacks Fifth Avenue, Macy's. When Macy's was actually a thing, it had a bunch of luxury fashion brand stores. There was a Ritz Carlton. Well, there still is a Ritz Carlton attached to the mall so that people could- Oh, my God. Exit from the hotel into the mall and do their shopping. So I mean, the clientele was very, very affluent. There was Middle Eastern royalty, and there were actors, sometimes musicians that were on tour that would stay at the Ritz.
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This is the dream, Michelle, and you were in high school?
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I was 17, and oh, my gosh, did I ever feel so sophisticated? I was working in a card store, so it wasn't like I was working at the Versace, but it still made me feel very worldly and sophisticated. Yes, of course. For the most part, it wasn't very busy. I went up there one night to visit a friend and see if we could hang out after her shift. I walk into the store and the manager's son and her are standing behind the counter smoking a bowl.
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Oh, wow. In the store.
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Relax.
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All this to say, the mall that I worked at, it was not really busy at night. And I think if I worked at the mall across the street, this probably wouldn't have happened. It was a weeknight, and I was working with a girl who was I took my customer service duties very seriously. This guy comes up to the counter and he asks for some help to pick out some gift wrap. I follow him over to the gift wrap wall. The gift wrap is not really in plain sight of the cash register. It's about 10 feet away. So we get over to the gift wrap and he looks down, he sees my boots, and he says, Oh, gosh, I really like your boots. Now, these boots were everything to me when I was 17. They were swayed. They had this fringe that encircled the top. They were amazing. I wore them into the ground. They were my absolute favorite boots of all time. So anyway, this guy, he looks at my boots and he's like, Wow, I love your boots. I'm 17, so I was like, Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I love them, too. They're great.
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I popped my hip out and tilted my knee in and I swiveled my heel out so he'd get a really good look at my boot.
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Were you in a pant or a skirt?
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I was in pants. Okay. He's looking at it and he says, Can I see them? I was like, Okay. I took off my boot. I handed it to him. Oh, Jesus. I'm thinking, maybe he's got a girlfriend and he really likes these boots and he wants to go and see if he can find a pair. He's holding my boot and he's turning it over in his hands. He puts his hand into it and he says, These don't really offer much arch support. And I'm just like, Yeah, okay. This was the early '90s. Sweat wicking technology wasn't really a thing yet. So I'm sure that his hand in there was probably met with all sorts of swampy, sweaty mess. It was gross, I'm sure. It all happened really quickly, but also it took long enough that my coworker decided to come and find me because we had been over at the gift wrap all long enough for her to be, I guess, concerned. Or maybe she saw immediately that this guy was a creep. But she comes around the corner and I hear this gasp, and she exclaims my name because he has crouched down on the ground, and he has every single finger interlaced with the toes of my right foot.
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Wait, hold on a second. You didn't feel this happening? It took your coworker to alert you to this? He was feeling the inside of the boot and the arch support, and then all of a sudden, he finds his hands down to your feet.
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He somehow talked me out of my sock.
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Okay, great. So there were some steps between feeling the inside of the boot.
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But was he standing upright holding the boot, or was he down by your foot? He had a crowd. Yeah.
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He was standing up, and then he eventually made it down to my foot, where, if I remember correctly, he actually took my sock off. Yeah, and so he ended up with his fingers in between every single one of my toes on my right foot. Oh, boy. And he briskly stands up and walks out of the store. And my coworker is just looking at me like, what in the actual f*ck? And I am just like, customer service? I really don't know how it happened.
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Is it fair to say you had the freeze response? Was it that you frozen, you were nervous, or you just literally didn't even really notice what was going on?
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I was aware that he was asking me to take off my socks, and I was like, This is weird, but it was crazy.
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How old was this person?
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He was probably late 20s, maybe early 30s. When you're 17, everybody who's over 20 looks old.
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What would be the worst age for you, Monica, to hear?
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I was expecting 53. 53.
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53. Yeah. Okay.
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That felt really bad.
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For whatever reason, there's stratas in this. Because if it was like another 17-year-old boy- Yeah, that's hot.
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I would argue 53.
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You can't make it that long in this game?
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No, I think you can. You think you can? Yeah, there's a lot of older creeps out there.
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Listen, if you come across a naive 17-year-old like me, he probably totally could have been older than that.
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What's the worst age for you?
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Forty.
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Interesting.
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I guess because I'm on 50s backdoor, and I know I'm not as sexual as I was 10 years ago, so I feel like I would be more dangerous at 40. You have to wonder how many young women's feet he held because he had obviously a well-rehearsed approach and technique. And you're starting with some flattery like, Oh, I love those boots. Oh, great. Me too. It's a whole system.
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It was weird. You would think that somebody who's going to try to pull something like that would go to a shoe store.
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Maybe they're a little more on top of it, on the feet fetish.
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Is this too dangerous for us to explore the hierarchy of fearful interaction of this nature? Yeah. I do feel like this is the lowest harm rate. Let's just say a deranged lunatic at 7:11 was going to touch a body part of mine, and I got to pick. Yeah. Foot. I go, Yeah, if this guy's got to touch something, I'll let him touch my foot. I agree, actually. So it's like the preferred body part Because I would not want them to touch my hands too intimate.
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Yes. And germs.
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And face.
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Definitely not face. Definitely not private parts. Right. Or lower back. Even knee feels a little too...
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Inside of the knee, back side of the knee.
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No, that's way too intimate.
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I'd prefer to have my foot touch than to see a flasher, right? Yeah. We just go through all of them. I feel like this is maybe the only one we can laugh about.
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I mean, it's still because it's a stranger.
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Yeah, the guy's deranged.
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He's obviously deranged. But if I was in a relationship with someone and they had a feet fetish, I'm into it. It doesn't creep me out unless that person's fetish is so strong that they're doing what this person is doing, like going to malls and touching strangers feet. Underage students.
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Yeah, that's bad. For the rest of the shift, my coworker made fun of me relentlessly. We never really talked about it again because she was 16, I was 17. It was something that I realized now that I haven't really talked with anybody about it. I was talking with a friend of mine. I sent her a text. I was like, Hey, do you remember the time that I got my foot finger at the mall? And she said, No. What? I don't think I really told many people because I recognized that it was skeevy on some levels, and I didn't really want to be like, Yeah, no, I'm the girl that took my sock off.
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You felt shame.
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Great. Yeah, you're answering my question. I was wondering if you didn't talk about it because on some level you felt like, How did I let myself get to a point where my sock was off?
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Like, I participated.
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Exactly. This is classic victim 101, where if I'd gone to Mall Security, they would have been like, Well, why would you do that?
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Yeah, exactly. Also early '90s, absolutely.
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No one was- What do you expect when you wear boots that nice? Your fault. You were asking for it with the fringe. The fringe was an imitation.
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Oh, the fringe is like, Really? You might as well be topless.
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Oh, man. That was one of my weird law stories, but I can laugh about it now.
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Did you catch anyone stealing from this place? Not the products that thief are drawn to, stationary and wrapping paper?
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I think that's a misnomer. You do?
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Oh, you're right.
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They like to steal random.
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There's a lot of female kleptomaniens. Yes. Yeah, maybe even more than that.
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I always want to call them narcoleptics.
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They go nighty night. They're sleepies. They're sleepies.
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There was an employee that actually stole, and we found out that he was stealing a bunch of expensive figurines. He was giving himself credit on his credit card with a charge machine.
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That makes sense as long as We're getting money out of it. But just to be stealing and have a gorgeous set of stationery. All right. It seems a little bizarre. Well, Michelle, thank you so much for sharing that story with us.
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Thank you.
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Hope you have a great day at work.
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Yeah, there's that. I'll try.
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All All right. We'll have a great rest of your day. Nice meeting you, Michelle. Nice meeting you guys, too. Bye.
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I used to love that store, Hallmark.
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The stationery. I would walk by and go like, What the f*ck is that thing doing in here? It was buying paper? What?
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It was a great place to get gifts.
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No, AJ Voitz was or whatever. What's that? Aj Novelty shop. Oh.
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Where you get the wet willies.
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Where you get the sexy stuff. Where you get the wet willies. Spencers. Spencers, yeah. Oh, Spencers. Spencers' gifts.
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Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the difference between boys went to Spencers to get gifts and girls went to Walmart.
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Because there was sexy- Yeah, there was dild*s. Yeah, there was sexy stuff in there. Oh, my God.
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Here's Jacob or Jay.
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Speaking of fee, I need a pedicure. Hi.
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Oh, hello. Hi. Is it Jay or Jacob?
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My full name is Jacob, but you can call me Jay.
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Okay, I'm going to call you Jay. I like that. Where are you, Jay?
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I'm in Denver, Colorado. I'm from San Diego originally, and that's where this small story takes place.
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Do you have an expert shirt on? I do.
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It's my Monica Monsoon shirt.
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Monica Monsoon. Great.
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It was given to me by my wife, who's also named Monica.
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I love that for all of us.
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She wants to come meet you guys in a little bit.
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Of course.
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You're in what I presume is your basem*nt where you do music.
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Yes. I have a drum set behind me. I mean, it's a pretty big room, but I have all this sound buffering already. Oh, we love that. I was like, stressing all morning, so hopefully it sounds okay.
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You sound glorious.
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It's really good to meet you both. You are my two favorite people that I've never met.
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Oh, thank you, Jay.
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That is so flattering.
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Okay, so take us back to San Diego in what year. And also, give us a loose description of mall culture in San Diego, because for Monica and I, I think what's unique is outdoor probably is the norm. Aren't there a lot of malls in California where there's no roof?
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That's actually how this one is. So it's a mall called Horton Plaza. Essentially, it's a five-story mall with a canyon that goes down the middle. Oh, wow. You can see all of the stores on one and look all the way down to the first floor when you're on the other side. But one thing about it is it's absolutely super confusing. You can take a staircase from the second floor and get to the fourth floor.
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It's like an M. C. Asher drawing?
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100 %. It's like the end of labyrinth. I'm trying to find David Bowie up in there. Even the parking lot is a double helix. So if you get in the wrong area, you just get lost. So I was probably 13 or 14, so eighth or ninth grade. So this would have been in 2003. All right, great. So this was at the peak of malls when people were starting to trust buying things from the Internet, but it was like everything was in there. You have all the food shops and the game stores and go there for anything you need type place.
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God, I miss it.
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It was really fun. I went with my dad just to do some shopping, and we basically went to go hit up the stores that I knew. It was like the GameStop, and it was Hot Topic at the time. So I'm walking around with my dad, we do some shopping, and then we just had to stop for lunch. They have all these options, but my favorite place was Mongolian barbecue, where you fill up your bowl with meat and veggies, and then they stack a bunch of noodles on it, and then make it on that circular grill with a bunch of big chopsticks.
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Oh, yummy. Industrial chopsticks.
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I was of age where I could crush the whole thing. So I ate the entire meal. And then right afterwards, I got a feeling in my gut. Immediately. Immediately. I used to get this thing. It was like one in, one out, where I'd put a meal in my body, and then I'd instantly have to go to the bathroom.
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Wow.
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So I look at my dad and I'm like, I got to go to the bathroom. And he's like, Okay, I see you. So we start looking for a bathroom in this mall. And we're stopping at stores, and they're like, We don't have a bathroom. Other stores are like, It's employees only. And I'm starting to really feel it.
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Jay, I don't want to be critical of you guys But of course, there's no toilets in the stores. We know this. This was a total waste of time.
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But it was such a confusing mall. They couldn't find the regular bathroom, so they were paining me.
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We just knew what the bathroom was.
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That's fair. But you just know that Hot Topics is not going to let you take a dump in there.
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They should have said the bathroom is around the corner.
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Can you imagine going in a Foot Locker and be like, Where's your bathroom? They'll be like, Are you f*cking high? Have you ever been to a Foot Locker?
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Buy a f*cking hat and get out. No one could even tell us where one was. So we finally find a security guard, and he's like, There's a bathroom down there at the far end. And we're like, Okay, sweet. We're trucking it to get there. I see the bathroom. I go to open it, and it's just dead bolted.
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Oh, this is a nightmare.
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And I'm This is getting bad. My dad looks at me and he goes, There's a bathroom in Nordstrom. Can you make it? I was like, Yes. And internally, I'm like, I f*cking hope I can make it.
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Internally, you're like, Maybe. God.
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Also, your dad knew there was one in Nordstrom the whole time.
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Come on, dad. Go straight to Nordstrom's.
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At least some of the stores have bathrooms in them. So it was like a truck across the entire mall to get there. My dad runs ahead and opens the door, so I don't even have to open the door for myself. We instantly get into the women's shoes section, and we were on a level that was just all women's clothing and stuff. So it's like my dad, who's like a 6'6 dude, and me, an eighth grader running through this section. I'm slowing down my pace, starting to squeeze the butt cheeks. I get probably 20 feet from the bathroom and just start running and lose it.
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As you take off running.
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I mean, it was going to happen. It was like as I was opening the door, it just started leaking everywhere. I was wearing khaki shorts and the tall white socks that were cool all the time. It was just all down everywhere, almost into my shoes. I made it into the stall, and I'm sitting there just awkward as f*ck with acne and sh*t. I'm like, Where do I begin? What do I do? There's the single-ply toilet paper that just doesn't clean anything. My dad just opens the door and he goes, Are you good? I just go, No.
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Yeah.
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So he leaves, and I'm just cleaning up everything. I throw away my underwear, I throw away the socks. I threw basically everything away. Then this other dude comes in, and it's a single stall in two urinals, that type of bathroom. Oh, no. This old guy is just standing outside of the urinal waiting for me to be finished. I'm just sitting there smunching sh*t around, getting cleaned up as best as I can. So my dad finally shows up and basically acts as bouncer. We got an issue. Go use a bathroom on another floor. He's like, Do you know how many bathrooms there are in this mall? None. Yeah, just one on every floor of Nordstrom. Just five of them. Go find your own. So over the top of the bathroom stall just comes a pair of Tommy Bahama's bathing trunks. They're like green with orange and pink flora on it. It has the netting in it, which at the time was not cool. So I throw them on and throw my poopy khaki shorts into the bag that the bathing suit came in, like a paper bag from Nordstrom's. Do the walk of shame back through the women's shoes section.
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A kid goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing something different. So I'm just mortified.
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Does anyone know where the pool is?
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Exactly.
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He should have bought you a towel, too, to sling over your shoulder.
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I thought there was a top floor Jacuzzi up here somewhere. So we finally make it out of there to the car. I don't know what to say. And my dad just leans over and he goes, Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. And then he proceeded to just tell me a story about when he sh*t his pants in public to make me feel better.
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What a good dad.
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So, yeah, that's when I poop my pants in Nordstrom.
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So sweet. It does make me wonder why we don't ever see people actively pooping their pants, because we all have these stories. We talk to tons of armcherries who have done it. Why haven't I ever been looking at an eighth-grade boy and just see sh*t dribbling down his legs as he sprints through his shoes section?
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I have an 11-year-old stepson, and I could tell you, I've seen that look in his eyes before. Wow. It's always been at home, luckily.
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Yeah. I mean, have you ever seen someone dealing with sh*t actively in their pants?
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One time, were we together when we were on an elevator and there was someone in front of us who definitely had soiled their pants?
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I've seen a couple of people, and I sent you some photos once from Right Aid. Back when it was on the corner, I was behind a woman who had totally sh*t her yoga pants. Okay, that maybe is what- But there were no lumps, so I couldn't decide. It had been washed and stained.
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That must have contained it, though.
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Right. Yeah, that's a good outfit to have.
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Well, I'm going to be on the lookout for more sh*t on people's legs and shoes and stuff.
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I just feel like it's shocking we don't see it. And Jay, you really scratched an itch I've had. I was just lamenting to Monica a couple of days ago. I'm like, We have not had a poop prompt in way too long.
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Yeah, it's time.
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Yeah. And so I love that this one snuck in or snuck out.
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I'm just happy to be here. If you need other poop stories, I'm sure we can find some.
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I'm sure we'll talk to you again. Let's meet the wife. Monica.
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Other Monica.
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Monica, 1.0. She's probably old. No, you guys may be the same age.
[00:19:38]
I have wanted to be the significant other that comes in at the end of the story so bad.
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You can reduce I'm not true. Well, you have a big leg up that you're Monica. I'm so excited to meet you guys. Oh, us too. What year were you born? 1990. You're younger. So you're 1.0. We're just babies over here.
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I was hoping I would have Mall story because I used to work at Limited, too, but Jay's beat minds.
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I loved Limited, too. What year did you work there?
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I was in high school.
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2008 minus three years.
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Okay, '05 to '08. And you were in there a lot in that period?
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No, I was late '90s, early 2000s.
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'99 to '04. Yeah.
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Okay. Yeah. By the time I worked there, I aged out of dressing there, unfortunately.
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And Limited's Brother's store was Structure? Or am I confusing what Structure's Sister's store was? I think Express.
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Yeah, I think it's Express.
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Did you see anything bonkers while you worked there?
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Well, I was telling Jay, I was like, I didn't think about this until this prompt came up. We did have someone who pooped in the dressing room, and they were definitely sitting because the poop was shaped like this. And they asked me to clean it up, and I'm like, I make $10 an hour.
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My cousins worked at Gap, and it was a pretty regular occurrence that someone would sheepishly come in. They would take an outfit off the rack. They'd go in and they would change into to it and come out and pay for it. They would have their old clothes wadded up in the bag. No. Yeah, this happened weekly at the 12 Looks Mall.
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Oh my God. So you're just a dime a dozen, Jay.
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That's what happened to me.
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What if we found out there was a broad study in 5% of the clothes sold in the Nordstrom's was just people dealing with having sh*t themselves.
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It's the Auntie Annie's to borrow that really gets you.
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Well, let's be honest. It's more that Korean barbecue is not the safest bet there. Jay and Monica, it's so nice to meet you.
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Nice to meet you both. Thank you.
[00:21:33]
Yeah, our pleasure.
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Have a good rest of your day.
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Yeah, take care.
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The mall.
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You're getting itchy, aren't you?
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Yeah, I want to go.
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But you want to go back in time ago. I do.
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I want to do the impossible. The Yankee Candle Store. I loved it.
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Let's get in the car and drive all the way up to the mall to get some candles. What's wrong with that?
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You're so judgmental.
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I'm just so male.
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Oh, my God. Bath & Body Works.
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There we go.
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You liked it?
[00:22:03]
I mean, I didn't like it, but I get it.
[00:22:05]
Did you have to buy any of your- I bought a few of those packages for Christmas for moms and girlfriends and stuff.
[00:22:11]
Exactly. It's just like the flower shop for dudes on Valentine's Day. I walk in, What's a thing my mom would like?
[00:22:17]
Moonlight Path was my scent.
[00:22:18]
Do you ever go in there and take a sniff on it and get nostalgic?
[00:22:21]
No, I haven't seen Bath and Body Works in a while.
[00:22:24]
Because a few years back, I ordered my high school cologne. You did? Yeah, and it sits in my medicine cabinet. And then every once in a while, I just smell it and it takes me back. Oh, that's nice.
[00:22:34]
I should do that.
[00:22:35]
Fahrenheit. By Dior.
[00:22:38]
Oh, I thought you were mispronouncing pharomones.
[00:22:40]
No, no, no. Fahrenheit was the title of it. It was by Dior.
[00:22:44]
Dior? That's advanced.
[00:22:47]
Well, my dad wore Obsession for Men by Calvin Klein. And I think all dads wore that.
[00:22:53]
Yeah, that was common. I was into Ralph Lauren Blue because this popular girl had it and she smelled so good. And Then I got it. It didn't smell as good on me.
[00:23:02]
Well, that's what's funny is however she would have smelled would have been good. Oh, that's probably how you're supposed to smell because she's popular.
[00:23:07]
That's true. Michael Jordan had his own cologne.
[00:23:10]
That was mine. Oh, really? What did it smell like? What were the sense?
[00:23:13]
What was it called? Michael Jordan cologne. Hi. We were just talking about popular colognes and perfumes from our youth. What's your favorite? We just found out cute Wabi Wab was wearing Michael Jordan's signature cologne, which is super adorable being in Chicago and all. But you seem to still be in your youth, so you're not yet nostalgic.
[00:23:32]
I mean, I'm 28, so you could say that, but I feel like I've lived many lifetimes already.
[00:23:37]
Well, and you're 10 years out from high school, so you could be reflecting back. Did you have a fragrance you wore?
[00:23:42]
I don't think I had a go-to when I was young. I remember we used to go to Montana when I was younger, and there was a store called Rue 21. They had signature fragrances, so I remember one of those. I actually had a hit of it recently, and I was like, Where is that from?
[00:23:57]
Nothing makes you more nostalgic than a fragrance. Where did you grow up that Montana was a regular vacation destination?
[00:24:03]
I am in Alberta, Canada.
[00:24:05]
Oh, you would be coming south? Yes.
[00:24:08]
It's about four hours away.
[00:24:09]
Okay, so tell us about mall culture in Canada.
[00:24:12]
I live in Calgary, and then Edmonton, which is three hours away, there's West Edmonton Mall, and that's a super popular mall. Last year, I spent a semester in Edmonton. I was surprised to see the number of malls that they have, considering that West Edmonton Mall is their main attraction.
[00:24:29]
Oh, so there's been an explosion of malls since?
[00:24:32]
Yeah, they're not small malls. They're all dramatic big malls. Oh, wow. I definitely spent a lot of time at the mall when I was young. I don't even want to know how much money I spent just on jeans.
[00:24:41]
What was your store?
[00:24:43]
When I was younger, jeans were definitely like American Eagle. Yes.
[00:24:47]
Classic. Okay, so where and when does this mall story take place?
[00:24:50]
Ironically, there's a lot of like, sim things in this story. We love sim. So this story happened in 2018 and actually happened in May. We're on the anniversary. We're celebrating the anniversary together. Oh, my God.
[00:25:04]
Congrats.
[00:25:04]
Of this story.
[00:25:05]
Six-year anniversary.
[00:25:06]
And it happened here in Calgary. So we don't have a lot of malls, but it was one of the bigger ones. A little bit of backstory. My dad, who's the main character in this story is estranged now from everybody. He is a pretty volatile addict with some mental health issues, and that plays into the story a little bit. At the time, within a year, my parents had split. My mom and my sister were living I was living at my dad's house. My dad was out a lot. He was dating, keeping himself busy, and he was in a relationship at the time. I had never met this woman, don't know her name, don't want to know her name, just mind in my own business.
[00:25:45]
Did you stay with him while you were going to college or something? If this was six years ago?
[00:25:49]
I was still living at home while I was in university, and my mom left and took my sister and didn't tell me. Oh, my gosh. So I was just left at home. Oh, wow.
[00:26:00]
That's really intense.
[00:26:02]
I was basically his babysitter, for a lack of a better word. On this particular day, he was home. Second sim thing, me and my friend, who's now my roommate, we were actually planning to start a podcast of our own. Wow.
[00:26:17]
Okay. Inspired by what? What were you listening to then? Anna Farris or something? Us? No way. Us. Oh, wow.
[00:26:24]
It sounded like you were fishing.
[00:26:25]
This story feels too long ago for us to play a role in it.
[00:26:28]
But we had just started.
[00:26:29]
Yeah, a couple months in.
[00:26:30]
I'm listening to you guys, and I'm going to her, and I'm having all these conversations, and I'm like, Oh, this is my jam because I'm a literary theory major. I had just graduated. I just got my BA at the time. I'm like, Okay, we're going to start a podcast. We had a name picked out. We're ready to go buy the equipment. I'm about to walk out the door, and my dad is like, I want to buy you a grad ring right now. What's a grad ring?
[00:26:51]
Graduation ring for having just graduated college.
[00:26:55]
Oh, a piece of jewelry. A piece of jewelry. Okay.
[00:26:56]
He had never mentioned this to me before. Never knew that this was a thing.
[00:27:02]
But he's probably an impulsive guy, so you're used to this. Yeah.
[00:27:06]
I'm like, Okay, well, I don't know what else he's going to get up to, so I guess we're going to the mall. I call my friend and I'm like, Okay, change of plans. We'll pick you up. We're going to the mall. And then on our way home, we can go and pick up the microphones. It never ended up happening. We have not purchased the microphones. Oh, no. Completely fell through. Oh, no. So this is the sim part. This is sad. The story made it to a podcast, so we've come full circle. This is like a life-altering story.
[00:27:32]
It was.
[00:27:33]
I don't even know how it threw absolutely everything out the window, but it did.
[00:27:38]
We might have been calling into your show today.
[00:27:41]
Yeah. We're going to the mall, and he drives us, and he parks in the underground parkade. We end up shopping, and the mall is about to close. So it's like 30 minutes to closing, and we got to make our way back to the parkade. And we're on the second floor. So we walk to the elevator, and we're waiting at elevator, me, my friend Kaylene, and my dad. There's two other women who are also there waiting for the elevator. Now, the three of us are relatively tall, especially me, like 6 feet.
[00:28:11]
Oh, wow. Congratulations.
[00:28:12]
These ladies are pretty petite. They go into the elevator first, and then the three of us follow them in, and both of them push the buttons on the elevator. There's an older woman, and she pushes P2, and the younger woman pushes P1.
[00:28:26]
Quick question, are they together?
[00:28:28]
They're not together. Okay. So the younger one pushes P1, which is the level that we're going to get off on. We don't end up having to push it. So we get down to P1, this younger woman walks out of the elevator. When you exit, it's like a lobby. And so she goes towards the doors that are on the left. And then we walk in a line. So it's my friend, then myself, then my dad, and we all walk out to the right-hand side. And you walk out these automatic doors, and then you have a couple steps down to be level with the parkade floor. So we're chit-chatting as we're walking. Then And all of a sudden, I get this yank on my sweater from behind. And I'm like, What the hell? And so I'm like, I don't know if my dad's trying to roughhouse me. So I go to turn around and I see him just standing there frozen. And the woman is standing at the top of the stairs. So then he starts stammering. He's like, Why did you do that? What the f*ck is wrong with you? And I'm like, What just happened?
[00:29:25]
And he turns around and he faces me and he goes, She just f*cking He dabbed me. What?
[00:29:31]
What? Wait.
[00:29:33]
What?
[00:29:35]
And he was yelling, Why the f*ck did you do that to her? Not you, obviously. Yeah. What? The little girl who had gone to the left- And she was young. Came and stabbed your dad quickly and then ran up the stairs?
[00:30:09]
I think she was on the stairs the whole time. As he's walking down the stairs, because she's small and he's tall. It's the level difference.
[00:30:17]
Oh, just the two little stairs.
[00:30:18]
Yeah. He touches his neck and looks at his hands, and I see the squirting- No. Out of his neck of the blood.
[00:30:26]
No. She's still there. She's staring.
[00:30:29]
She's just standing They are completely unfazed, and he's starting to get hysterical. He's like, What the f*ck is wrong with you? Why would you do that? You just stabbed me.
[00:30:37]
What the hell? Oh, my God.
[00:30:40]
So he holds his neck, and then I turn around to look at my friend. She looks shocked, and then I start feeling more shocked. So we're all hysterical at this point.
[00:30:49]
Can you see the weapon or object?
[00:30:51]
Well, she's standing with her arms down. So I think it was like a pocket knife. It wasn't anything huge. She just turns around and walks away. Why? What? Oh, my God. Then my dad gets really angry. And he was like, You're not getting away with this. Come back here. And he starts running after her. Yeah. He chases her back into the lobby. They go down the stairs into the lower parkade. Okay. And we're like, Dad, stop. He's bleeding everywhere. I'm trying to call the cops, but I just keep hitting, call dad on my phone because I don't know what I'm doing. We get down to the lower parkade, and we're in the lobby, and the woman runs out into the parkade. Finally, my dad stops. We end up seeing the older woman who was in the elevator with us, and we're like, Get out of the parkade. There's a stabber on the roof.
[00:31:35]
A mad woman, yeah.
[00:31:36]
Oh, my God.
[00:31:37]
She comes back in with us. We go up to the original floor, and I'm finally able to call 911. They arrive pretty quickly. Within a couple of minutes, the ambulance takes a little bit longer to show up for us. I think there's at least two or three cop cars who show up, and one of them goes down to the lower one. They take off on their bikes, and they end catching her down in the lower parquet.
[00:32:02]
The bike cops have been living for this moment because they're so dorky. They've relegated to bicycles in a mall, and they don't get any action, and they finally got to tear off on their bicycles. Big day.
[00:32:12]
I think, too, when they came up to say they got her, the cop had dust on his knees. And so my dad's like, Did she fall down? And he's like, A little bit. They tackled her.
[00:32:21]
Yeah, of course. All that adrenaline after pedaling those bikes.
[00:32:24]
What if really he just fell off his bike? That could have happened, too.
[00:32:27]
First time in a high speed bike.
[00:32:29]
He's like, No, I I tackled her. From them, really high up. Definitely wasn't that I just fell.
[00:32:33]
So at this point, my dad's fine, aside from actively bleeding. I take his phone and I'm like, I got to start calling people and telling them to meet us at the hospital. And he forbids me from calling my sister or my mom. They're the only two people that I want to call.
[00:32:48]
You're not going to call his bar buddies or anything.
[00:32:50]
No, but I did. Oh, okay. I call his friends, and I call my grandma, and I'm like, Okay, everybody meet us at the hospital. The ambulance shows up. My dad's about to leave, and he's like, One more thing, you got to call my girlfriend. So I call and I'm like, Hi, I'm your boyfriend's daughter, and he just got stabbed in the neck, and he would like you to come and meet us at the hospital. See you soon.
[00:33:14]
Oh, God.
[00:33:16]
Wow.
[00:33:17]
Nice to meet you.
[00:33:18]
Luckily, she was a lovely lady, and we're still friends to this day.
[00:33:21]
Oh, that's nice.
[00:33:22]
Good. Yeah. So then he gets taken off in the ambulance. Me and my friend drive his car to the hospital. My dad's in the ER. He didn't end up needing any surgery, but the knife just nicked his jugular. Oh, my God. Then at this point is when we get a full update from the cops. The reason that they were there so quickly is because he wasn't the first victim. He was number three.
[00:33:50]
Number three of a stabbing spree?
[00:33:53]
And second location. What?
[00:33:55]
What the f*ck? Wait. This is comforting because it's always a guy. I'm It's true. I'm shocked. I'm just relieved that there's finally a woman out there stabbing people.
[00:34:04]
And she was tiny.
[00:34:05]
Yeah, although she may be- Tiny but mighty.
[00:34:08]
My God. And she was aloof. Something was obviously- Can you describe more things about her?
[00:34:14]
So only two things that I remember in the elevator, she was in sandals and she looked a little dirty and something tie-dye.
[00:34:23]
So hippie vibes, almost.
[00:34:24]
Yeah. Her history, Come to Find Out After, is 10 years long of other assaults and violent things. She's just found not criminally responsible because she's not mentally well, but we don't have the resources to actually provide proper housing and care and support.
[00:34:44]
It sounds like, well, just- Sounds like schizophrenia where she thinks she's fighting for her life. Like paranoia.
[00:34:50]
Yeah. What actually happened, she's at a Plaza across the street at a Vietnamese restaurant. Vietnamese. I don't know the actual backstory of how it all happened, but she stabbed, I think, a waitress first. Jesus. Then walked out into the parking lot, stabbed some guy. Oh, my God.
[00:35:10]
She's ballsy, too.
[00:35:12]
Then she walks across the street to the Department store of the Mall, somehow comes upstairs, walks through the Mall and to our elevator. And then, like I said, she pushed P1. I don't know where she was going. Right.
[00:35:26]
So it wasn't like she had necessarily targeted your dad initially.
[00:35:31]
Totally random. I mean, all in all, afterwards, we're like, That was best case scenario. Had she stabbed myself, my friend, or the other older little woman, I don't think we would have made it. We've all got tiny necks. He's got a big neck.
[00:35:43]
That's so true. Oh, my God. Talk about wrong place, wrong time.
[00:35:47]
Okay, so I feel a little bit vindicated because my first reaction is like, if I'm your dad and I get stabbed by her, I'm going after her right away. I'm going to kick her in the back as she's running because she's holding a weapon. I'm going to kick her in the back and knock her down. And then I'm going to stand on her wrist that she's holding the knife in her back neck. So the cops get there.
[00:36:06]
No, no, no, no, no, I don't think if you just stood on her wrist, that'd be enough?
[00:36:17]
No, I would stand on her body, too. Really? She deserves that.
[00:36:20]
Can you just lay on her body? No, I don't want to.
[00:36:23]
I just want my shoes to touch her. Okay. You could say, Well, you're nuts to go after somebody, but you could also prevent two more people. It's true.
[00:36:30]
Now, there's one more twist to this story.
[00:36:32]
Oh, my God. Your dad had been f*cking her for a month.
[00:36:34]
I did at first.
[00:36:36]
I did at first think it was a scorned girlfriend. The new girlfriend that she had met. Yeah.
[00:36:40]
My dad, when we're in the ER, he starts talking about what the experience was like and what it felt like. He said, Originally, it just felt like a really hard punch in the neck. So he didn't realize immediately. That's why he was like, What the f*ck did you do? Why did you do that? Then he stopped and looked at me and was like, I've been stabbed. So the The reason he knew is because 50 years ago, my grandmother lived alone with my dad when he was really young in an apartment. And in the middle of the night, one night, somebody broke into her apartment. She woke up, not while this person was there. And she was like, I'm all wet. And she gets out of bed and she looks down, and she's been laying in a pool of her own blood.
[00:37:21]
Oh, my God.
[00:37:24]
Luckily, she had a neighbor who was a cop. So she goes to the neighbor and is like, I need help. And He jumped on his bike.
[00:37:31]
Sorry, not a good time for you.
[00:37:33]
Someone had broken in. They never caught who did it, but they had cut her neck.
[00:37:37]
No f*cking way. No wonder your dad's struggling.
[00:37:42]
That's really dramatic for a little boy.
[00:37:44]
You can't be a single Mom. Yeah. She gets her throat slashed and you walk out of it with no problems.
[00:37:51]
Honestly, I'd never heard him talk about seeing anything. I'd heard the story from her, and I think she asked the cop to take care of my son and get him out of here. And she ended up needing reparative surgery hers was much more severe. But she described it as having air flowing through her neck.
[00:38:06]
So when my dad, like I said, he felt the punch, and then he just felt air, and he was like, That is how I knew.
[00:38:17]
That's what clued him in. Oh, my God.
[00:38:18]
It's hereditary.
[00:38:19]
You got to wear a neck guard.
[00:38:22]
I need you to be careful.
[00:38:23]
No, I mean, truly, the odds of two family members both getting stabbed in the neck in a lifetime, they might be the only mother-son. Knock on wood.
[00:38:32]
The wood I like.
[00:38:32]
But how? Who's going to- Just, I don't know. Okay, just knock on. I'm knocking on wood. Yeah, that's impossible. Yeah.
[00:38:38]
Wow. That's really dramatic. What happened with the lady? Did she go to jail?
[00:38:42]
No, they arrested her and held her for the minimum amount of days, but again, not criminally responsible. So put her back to her group home, I think, and carry on.
[00:38:52]
That's not the most comforting thought. No, it's not. Mental illnesses aside, if you're committing assault because of the mental illness, you still got to be away. A hundred %.
[00:39:01]
You're dangerous.
[00:39:01]
I understand the concept. You can't try them for first degree because it's not premeditated. It does not meet the requirement of first degree. I get all that. But there has to be still some lengthy sentencing for non-premeditated.
[00:39:15]
The whole point is to protect the masses, and that's not doing that. This person has a problem.
[00:39:22]
There's just not enough resources. Edmonton holds all of the NCR, not criminal responsible, beds for all of Alberta and of Northern Canada, so they just don't even have the capacity to keep everybody.
[00:39:33]
If I had a single wish of this whole story is that your father had been super Canadian about it and said, Oh, it appears you've stabbed my neck.
[00:39:44]
Sorry, I got in your way.
[00:39:45]
Oh, sorry. What a story. He had a very Detroit reaction.
[00:39:51]
Well, a very human one.
[00:39:51]
Yeah. Jessica, thanks for telling us that. Yeah, that was wild.
[00:39:55]
Of course. It was so lovely to meet you guys. I'm so excited to have this opportunity.
[00:40:00]
I I'm really sorry the podcast never got up and running. All you were trying to do is make a podcast.
[00:40:05]
But I got on one, so it's okay. It all worked out. Yeah.
[00:40:07]
Sort of.
[00:40:08]
I admire you both so much, your honesty and your humor and everything. I said to myself, I hope that you guys are doing this in 5 to 10 years because I'm very hesitant about pursuing my ambitions. But the idea of potentially making it to the attic to be an expert is a big incentive.
[00:40:26]
You must do it. That'd be sim on top of Sim on top I would. And we live for the sim.
[00:40:31]
Thank you, Ashuk.
[00:40:33]
All right, Jessica. It's so nice meeting you. Take care. Oh, my God. Randomly getting stabbed in the neck. Jeez.
[00:40:42]
By a little old lady. I mean, little young lady.
[00:40:44]
A little young lady, a little mighty. You might do that to somebody. Monica. Yeah. Let's call it what it is. A Monica type. What if that came full circle and the woman that was stabbed at the Vietnamese restaurant had just served a young boy, Jay, some tainted noodles? Oh, my Oh my God. And he was independently out, sh*tting his pants.
[00:41:03]
I would love that.
[00:41:06]
Hello. Hi. You're in a proper sound booth.
[00:41:11]
I work at an art college, and so they have a sound booth. Students have been leaving, so I was able to sneak in here.
[00:41:17]
I just dig this environment. I want to sit in that room, kind.
[00:41:20]
It's really warm. It's maybe 90 degrees.
[00:41:24]
Oh, boy. Okay.
[00:41:25]
Where at in the world?
[00:41:26]
In the Boston area.
[00:41:28]
Okay. And we're going to use a code name for you. Yeah.
[00:41:30]
So I was hoping that you could come up with a name.
[00:41:32]
What do you think? Jade. Jade.
[00:41:35]
I like that. Can you live with Jade? I absolutely can. All right. You look like a Jade I knew from high school. Same.
[00:41:40]
No. I'm serious.
[00:41:42]
Oh, my God. Did you meet her at the mall? Yes. So, Jade, where and when does this story take place?
[00:41:51]
So it takes place north of Boston. It is 2003. So I was in my mid-teens. In fact, I Brows, low-cut jeans.
[00:42:02]
It was Tess, Monica. Oh, I know it. I know it well.
[00:42:04]
You were 16 in '03?
[00:42:06]
Yeah. I was probably 15.
[00:42:09]
The story is when I was 15.
[00:42:11]
What mall? Big mall, small mall, fancy mall, sh*tty mall?
[00:42:14]
Mid-level mall. There was a Gap. Abercrombie wouldn't go into it, but there was a Hollister, a Victoria's Secret, and Macy's and Sears. Classic.
[00:42:23]
Jcpenney's? No. They had Sears. Sears and Robuck. Great trusted brand.
[00:42:27]
Okay, so what happened?
[00:42:29]
Okay, so I was the teenager that wasn't really cool. I was a little quirky, so I really wanted to work at the mall because working at a mall is every teenager's dream. I had jobs in the past. I was a babysitter, and I worked at an ice cream shop. But the mall, it was fairly new at the time. That was the cool place. We used to go as kids and just walk around in circles and circles. Getting a job there was amazing. Because I wasn't super cool, I was really boring, and I almost was to the point that it was annoying, I ended up getting a job not at Hollister or Airpods still, which were super cool at the time. I worked at a greeting card store.
[00:43:06]
Hold on a second. The second person we've talked to that worked at a greeting card store, which is hysterical. And you are pointing out that I think those shops in the malls were casting. There was definitely a mandate, like, Hire cute girls because girls are coming in and they want to see something aspirational. They're definitely casting those. You're not going to be seeing a lot of cute boys. They're not going to be running through looking for stationary?
[00:43:32]
If they did, it was for their girlfriend for Valentine's Day. So it was a fun job. We weren't busy because it's a cartop. And the only time we were busy was during holidays. And it was four days before the holidays, and then the store was completely empty. I actually got two of my best friends from high school jobs there. So it was a really good time because we were always working. And we were in high school, so the night and weekend shifts were for us. So we were always there, always together. Closing, we made friends with some of the employees in the stores in the circle that our store was in. So it was this really cool place. And so I was 15. There was no responsibilities. Things started to go downhill at this job when they made me a key holder Oh, f*ck.
[00:44:16]
I've been there.
[00:44:16]
Yeah. So there's power in it, Monica. And you know. I do. Because I was 15. And I think that this could also be a warning. Don't give a 15-year-old responsibility of an entire store.
[00:44:28]
Okay. Sure. The key holder is responsible for opening and closing the store? Yeah.
[00:44:32]
So I was in charge of the shift, and then I had to cash out at the end of the night, count the money, deposit the money, close the shop. So I had a key to the store. Basically, I was the person in charge.
[00:44:44]
This is so comical. It does remind me where I'm from. Because we live in LA, and young kids don't work. There's a huge workforce here, and you just don't see young kids running places. But I'll go back to Detroit and go into a gas station at 2:00 AM, and there's a 14 or 15 15-year-old child running the gas station. And so that's this. A 15-year-old shouldn't be counting the till. Or maybe they should. I'm not actually saying that. I just think it's funny.
[00:45:09]
But it is a lot of responsibility.
[00:45:11]
It's a lot of responsibility. I didn't really know what responsibility meant. I was sheltered. I didn't have that experience in the world yet. But because it was a slightly small store, I was working shifts with my friends. So it was me and either one or both of them. On the shift because nobody else wanted to work the nights and weekends, so it was us. They were like, Okay, these kids want to work? Yeah.
[00:45:37]
Fine.
[00:45:37]
She seems the most responsible, so we're just going to let her be in charge. So this store also sells candy. And trinkets and all of these small things. So it's not just greeting cards. I had been working there for a little while, and at the beginning, started taking greeting cards every once in a while. And there was a candy kiosk, and I was like, Swedish Fish, Sour Ropes.
[00:45:59]
It starts small.
[00:46:01]
Really small. That was how it started. Yes, of course.
[00:46:05]
Then it evolved, and it really evolved in a way that I'm still horrified by it, and I can't believe I get knots in my stomach when I think about it.
[00:46:15]
But our back room, for context, and this adds to my decision making process, was so messy. They had collectible dolls, and I can't remember what they were called.
[00:46:25]
Precious moments. Yes.
[00:46:27]
In addition to a couple of the other ones where it looks like wooden carvings with wings and stuff. So they had those. But when we put them on display, the boxes were just tossed in the back room. So there was a whole section that was just piles of boxes on the ground. There was no organization to it.
[00:46:44]
I will say you are culpable and responsible for your theft. But there's a chapter in a Gladwell book about this, or maybe it's for economics, about cleaning the graffiti lowers crime all around because you know you're being watched. There's subliminal signals you receive. So the management is not taking care of their business at all. The place is a f*cking mess. They're letting 15-year-olds run. It's like if they don't care- Yes. You're subtly receiving that the culture of this place is that no one gives a f*ck.
[00:47:09]
Yeah, that's really true.
[00:47:10]
If there's piles of boxes, they're not going to notice that a few trinkets go missing. Of course. So I start taking things that are bigger than a card or candy, and it's the collectible items, the trinkets, the things that say Mom and Dad and Brother and stuffed animals. It's excessive. There's music boxes and jewelry holders and clocks and display things, and it's constant. It's like a disease I can't stop doing. This is fascinating. Every single holiday, whether it was a birthday, Christmas, or Saint Patrick's Day, I would give my whole family gifts from this store that I just stole. And so they were like, You're so generous. This is amazing. My mom is really sentimental, so she loves them. They all say these wonderful phrases. They still have them.
[00:47:58]
Oh, no. Taunting you.
[00:48:00]
This could be like a Todd Solendand's movie or some really artful director movie. Yeah, I don't know who that is. Happiness. Okay.
[00:48:08]
I'm taking Steph left and right. My friends who work there also do it, but not to the level that I did. I was like, I'm in charge. I can do whatever I want. They would take a piece here or there. But we would also have friends into the store, whether it's boyfriends or good friends or people from other stores, like visitors, that we would let them take stuff from the shop.
[00:48:29]
Yeah. Okay. I have a question because you gave a lot of these things away as presents, but did you also- Return them at different locations to get money? No, I mean, were you getting high off the stealing or were you doing it to give presents?
[00:48:44]
I was doing it to give presents. It's Mother's Day, I need a gift. It's readily available right here, and it happens to be free.
[00:48:50]
Right. So it wasn't like you just in your closet at home had so much stuff that you had taken because you wanted to take. Because that's a big narcolepsy/cleptomani thing, where it's just the taking.
[00:49:03]
This is reminding me of another armchair, Anonymous, we had where somehow a kid got a code for shoes to order, and he gave it to people, and people were like, a thousand pairs of shoes. It was like, these things get out of control quickly. The notion that all your friends are coming by to steal sh*t to is f*cking hysterical.
[00:49:21]
I think there was no responsibility understanding. It was just completely out of my head. So that wasn't where it ended. And Dax, you mentioned returning it at other places. I never did that because I had a limit. But I eventually started making fake returns. I think something that's important. I don't know what the consequences were. I was 15. I didn't understand what was happening. The back room was a mess. We had fake cameras. Nobody had ever been in to check on me and my 15-year-old friends when we were working there. There was no oversize. Nobody distinctly said, Don't take these.
[00:49:55]
Listen, you're talking to the wrong guy if you think I'm going to be judging your morals right now. This This is all about being 15. Morton, don't even worry about that.
[00:50:02]
Cash registers were not advanced. It was not computerized. It was a handwritten return. And so what I would do is I would do a fake return. If you didn't have the receipt, you had to fill out a special form. At the time, I didn't know that you were supposed to use people's driver's license. If you did a return without a receipt, I would take your driver's license information, and then you would get the cash back. I would fill out the form without the driver's license information. I would take an item from the shelf, mush it up a little bit, and put it in a different spot to make it look real. But I was also using names of boys that I went to high school with, and I don't know why. I was using these boys who were in my class. That was the name of all of the people that returned stuff, because I also thought it was funny that they were returning stuffed animals of Disney and Hello Kitty figurines.
[00:50:47]
You're living in your own little world. There's a lot happening. I really, really, of all the things I've ever heard that I think this could have happened to you, I feel like this is the one.
[00:50:59]
It could A hundred %. It could have gotten out of hand quick for me as well.
[00:51:02]
My friends knew that this was happening because sometimes if I were by myself, it wouldn't be a big deal. But if my friends were there, we would return enough to get money. We would buy food from a pizza shop. It would be like a feast of mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, and we would just eat it behind the counter. We weren't doing this to make a profit, but we would also buy pot from the guy that worked at the glass kiosk out front. And then we would all just leave our stores and smoke behind.
[00:51:30]
This should be a TV show.
[00:51:32]
That's what I'm saying. There's a really funny movie here.
[00:51:34]
It was, I guess, a little exhilarating at that point. Because I wasn't cool, maybe this made me edgy and cool in a way. I was living off of that. We did that for a while. I would say longer than I probably should have. One of my shifts happened to be during inventory. The district manager was there. There were a ton of people counting items. They were cleaning up the messy back room. I go in for the shift and I say hi to everybody, and I'm just acting like nothing's wrong.
[00:52:04]
Are you nervous or you're like, They're never going to discover this. They don't know what the f*ck is happening here.
[00:52:08]
I think I was nervous because I knew I was doing something wrong. But to me, how I had done it was foolproof.
[00:52:15]
Right. They could have never discovered.
[00:52:17]
No, I did it the right way. But I made the stupid mistake of everybody was in the back room counting, and I was like, I'm still going to do a fake return.
[00:52:26]
Oh, Balzy.
[00:52:26]
It was just stupid.
[00:52:28]
Yeah, but also Balzy. Really quick, you always read the headline of things or you hear about the headline of things. Someone will go like, Yeah, they were having a affair. They were having sex on the bed of the thing. You're like, Well, I promise you it didn't start there. It's just these little All these little baby steps, and then these thefts are little baby steps, all these little baby steps, and then you end up at a place where it is a shocking, I'm committing the crime while they're there.
[00:52:53]
Yeah. There was a big Hello Kitty doll directly in view of the cash register, and I had been working there enough I knew the codes and whatnot. And so I quickly did a fake return for that Hello Kitty doll. I didn't move it. I didn't touch it. I just did the return, pocketed the cash, and that was it. And then the manager came out and she just happened to look at the receipts and she was like, Well, what happened? Did somebody do a return? And I was like, Yep, it was really fast. They came in and they returned it. And so I just made up the worst excuse. If I ever heard what I had said, it was just nonsense. My shift goes, and then the next day, they're still doing inventory. I have another shift, and I go in. Within minutes, they're like, Jade, your mom's on the phone. You can take it in the back room. No worries. And so I was like, Okay, I'll go talk to my mom.
[00:53:38]
This place is just your clubhouse. It's not your job.
[00:53:40]
I'd be so scared if I was like, My mom's calling.
[00:53:44]
I'm also naive and gullible. I just walk around in life with no clue. I go in the back and the phone's off the hook and there is somebody on the phone for me, but it's the loss prevention guy from this company who was there to talk with me, and next to the phone was a stack of all of the fake returns that I had done. I sat on the phone with him for an hour, and we had to go through every single one. It was like, Did you make this fake return? I had to explain who the person was, which was all of the boys from high school. I had to explain that they didn't exist. They weren't real. I was just using fake names.
[00:54:25]
You were being honest. You came clean immediately. I'm a bad liar.
[00:54:28]
There was no way I would have been able ever continue this route. We went through all of them, and at some point, one of the slips, I was like, This isn't my handwriting. This wasn't me, but it was a fake return. It turned out that it was my assistant manager. They then caught him doing a number of fake returns.
[00:54:45]
Oh, my God.
[00:54:47]
I was almost like, What if they were losing a month?
[00:54:50]
I was immediately fired, obviously. I really just remember running across the hall to the TJ Max. I went into the bathroom and I I called my two friends who worked there, and I told them the story. I was panicked. I was like, If you go in, you're going to get in trouble, and you're going to get fired. And they're like, Well, we're just never going back to work. So they just never showed up for another shift. It turns out the entire store was fired.
[00:55:18]
Page one rewrite. They should have shut the store down.
[00:55:22]
The crime ring, I mean, it was enormous.
[00:55:24]
It's metastasized. We got to cut out the whole organ. Did they give you a grand total? Because the other thing I think would be shocking is in your mind, you probably thought you had sold $600, but I bet it was $1,300.
[00:55:35]
It was $4,000 or $5,000. Wow.
[00:55:41]
Just you and all these other people were doing it, too. At a card shop. They are not making enough money for this.
[00:55:47]
No, they were not making enough to pay for what the employees were taking out of the place every night. Using it like an ATM.
[00:55:53]
I'm hung up on that the manager lied to you that it was your mom on the phone.
[00:56:00]
Really?
[00:56:01]
Kind of. That's so passive-aggressive. The manager should have said, Hey, we need to talk to you about what's been going on.
[00:56:07]
They were afraid that she would run out the front of the store. Just f*cking split. Were you able to never tell your mom why you were no longer working there? A hundred %. They never called her? No. Again, there's no due diligence at this f*cking place. I mean, minimally, it's nice enough they didn't press charges, but then they didn't even call your parents. Yeah, you're a minor. I don't want to say they deserved it, but I feel like they deserved it a little bit.
[00:56:29]
I mean, I had a punishment. And so basically, because I was so young and because essentially it was their fault, because I should not have been in a leadership position to begin with, I wasn't even old enough to drive a car. So they basically were like, Okay, we're not going to tell your parents. We're not going to get the police involved. We're not going to press charges. As long as you pay the money back over time, that's totally fine. And so I had every intention of paying the money back. I was going to do it. And so I went and I brought $100 cashier's check a few weeks later. I had made money. I had gotten another job in the same mall.
[00:57:07]
I ended up having four or five other jobs in that mall after that.
[00:57:11]
Did you steal from all of those as well?
[00:57:13]
I haven't stolen at all since then. That was the one and only rebellious part.
[00:57:18]
You had to get it out of your system.
[00:57:19]
Well, good. I'm glad you didn't because you got a taste for it.
[00:57:22]
I brought in a $100 cashier's check, and it didn't seem very serious. The woman who took the money was like, Hey, I'm really sorry. This happened to Thank you. I'll see you soon.
[00:57:32]
That's why I was like... It happened to you.
[00:57:34]
Okay. And so I just stopped going.
[00:57:37]
Yeah, I'm surprised you don't keep stealing because it went really well for you, actually.
[00:57:40]
Oh, my God. They didn't even want the money back.
[00:57:42]
Probably the same reason I started stealing was the reason I stopped giving them money back. And then because I knew it was wrong and it was scary and I felt really guilty and I've been haunted because eventually that store and the whole company went bankrupt. And I was like, it's my fault.
[00:57:55]
Well, their management is their fault.
[00:57:57]
They do not have a good system in place.
[00:58:00]
That's the thing is they cut a corner. They're like, We only want to pay $4 an hour. Instead of bringing an adult in there with some experience- It's probably illegal to have a kid as a key holder.
[00:58:07]
I mean, that's probably why they couldn't really do much about it. And so then they were just like, Just pay it back. And they can't really track it because they were doing something.
[00:58:16]
Well, they all left and they went to another store and figured out it was happening at that store, too. I mean, everyone was overwhelmed with how unsalvageable this whole place was.
[00:58:24]
I still have never told my parents. If they found out I'm in my late 30s, then I would still die. I would be so horrified if they ever found out.
[00:58:32]
They might like it. No. Okay. They wouldn't. You know them better than I do.
[00:58:36]
They still have them displayed as these sweet gifts.
[00:58:40]
Mom's still wearing the mom walket. Well, Jade, delight me, Nini. That story was wonderful. God, did that amuse me. Thank you so much for telling us that.
[00:58:49]
Take care. Bye.
[00:58:50]
That's so funny how out of control it just got.
[00:58:53]
Yeah, I get it. That was great. That was wonderful. Malls. Everyone goes shopping today.
[00:58:59]
It does It makes me really want to go to the mall hearing these stories.
[00:59:02]
And even though you hate shopping.
[00:59:04]
You know, quickly, my brother, he worked at a toy store, and he closed. You would pull a gate down like a garage door, but it was a grid. And next to the toy store he worked at was a record shop. Oh, yeah. And so the toy store, I already told you this, they sold train track for hobby trains. It was flexible track, and he would tape a bunch of masking tape around the end, and he would put it through the great and everything that was in the the discounted tape bin, he would just grab tape after tape, and he'd steal like a dozen, 20 tapes.
[00:59:36]
Really smart.
[00:59:37]
You can't resist. No one's there. No one's looking. You're like, Let's be naughty. I hate to encourage people to steal.
[00:59:43]
No, we're not encouraging people to steal. You might take down a business. So just be careful.
[00:59:49]
All right. Love you. Love you.
[00:59:51]
Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song?
[00:59:54]
Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhymeish. On the fly, I rhymeish. Enjoy.
